Introducing Self-Acceptance Can Begin to Tame your Inner Bully.

For most of my life, my way of achieving something was to just push through what my body-mind-spirit needed. For years I was proud of this, thinking that ignoring my needs was the same as strength and fortitude, and that this was the way that accomplishments happen. Until now. Now, I see this behavior for what it is– I’m a bully.  Sure, I’m a successful bully, a smart bully, and I’ve pushed myself to do some amazing things, but I’m still a bully.

I don’t look like a bully to anyone else, because I intensely show and feel compassion for others.  I understand what it feels like to want to give up and disappear, to not want to push yourself, and to feel unequal to the task at hand. There are many times that I’ve felt like running away, It’s just that I have usually forced myself do things anyway. Over time however, I’ve come to recognize that there is a difference between perseverance, and bullying.

It has been a revelation that a gentle hand can produce results and gentle self-talk with a softer voice can urge us forward just as certainly as a strident one. I wish I had spent more time developing that gentle hand on my own back as a warm assurance of support, rather than the shove from behind into the deep end of life. I know now, that it is possible to accomplish more and be happier doing it when we exercise care for ourselves.   

With the years comes softness in many forms, and with this softness comes a whole new skill set– one I didn’t know the value of before.  That is the skill of self-acceptance. I have learned that there is no need for the tyrannical voice in my mind, and I am learning how to urge myself forward as I would a small wild animal, by building trust over time.

I’ve learned that the world doesn’t fall apart if the sink remains full of dishes, if my pants don’t fit as I’d like them to today, if I give up on that one impossible section of the garden, or if I wait to buy milk tomorrow. No one will judge me, yell at me, think less of me… not even me. The days go by no matter how we fill them, and as I get older, I can see that so many days have gone by with my head bent to my task, without me noticing them, or even noticing my body in space inside of them. These are the moments that make up our lives, and there is joy to be found in them. The warm sudsy water, the wild patch in the garden, the conversation I had with my kids instead of getting milk. We are guided every day, every moment, toward what will bring us joy and every urge, every regret, every single blink of our eyes, opens to a new day.

When I quiet that bullying voice inside my head, something amazing happens. Suddenly, wisdom about what I need and how to move toward it comes creeping in, like wild bunnies returning to an open field. All these insightful thoughts were just waiting for the tyrant to leave, and the messages they offer guide me to a deeper sense of fulfillment. These inner truths are so much easier to hear and to act upon because they urge me on from a willing, anticipatory place rather than a place of fear and dread.

When I quiet the bullying voice inside my head, something amazing happens. Suddenly, wisdom about what I need and how to move toward it comes creeping in.

As I wander around my house each morning, I urge myself forward with a tiny impulsive task here and there. It feels good to do these seemingly insignificant things. I can feel my mood lifting as I putter happily for a few minutes and push the chatter of all the other things I “should be doing” out of my head, because this is the moment I have. These moments  that make up my life are all linked together, one by glorious one, and I deserve to live them.

I find that the tasks that need doing most definitely still get done. I also find that some of what I’ve been expecting of myself looks ridiculous from here. When I step into a quiet space from all the chatter in my mind, it’s like stepping into an open field, a meadow in my busy life. I look at the my past expectations and think to myself, “What was I doing? That’s a bit unbalanced. How could anyone expect that of themselves?” Instead of feeling lazy as I watch some areas of my previously well-manicured life go wild, I feel incredulous. “This easier pace isn’t crazy”, I think to myself, “Trying to do all I was doing was!”

It’s true– the pace and expectations I placed on my life up until now has been ridiculous. No one can maintain those ridiculously demanding standards for long, and no one should. It’s not a triumph to make yourself disregard what your body, mind and spirit are needing and to push yourself forward with insensitive force. It’s a triumph to get that taskmaster to put down her switch and bullhorn and collapse in the field she’s cleared. It’s a triumph to let her just lie there, marvel, breathe and be present– to look at the clouds moving past, to loosen her proverbial corset and to feel the sun. When I finally allowed myself to leave those brutal bullying tools behind, it allowed me to  open up and let in the rest of my life, and the rest of myself in. It not only improved all my relationships, it gave me more energy, more creativity, and more joy.

3 Ways to Improve Your Self-Talk

1. Call out your inner bully.

There is power in a name. Call her out! Naming your bully for what she is can go a long way towards making her a friend for life. The goal is not to banish the part of you that gets stuff done no matter the obstacles, but you don’t want her bossing you around every second of your life! Maybe she can be reassigned to a more helpful role, such as a personal trainer or cheerleader. There is a time and a place to let her out to wreak havoc on the slackers (as long as she acts professionally and not abusively), but sometimes it can be better to let the other facets of who you are take charge. When you hear that pushy voice in your head, say hello, call her by name, and evaluate what she has to say. Then decide if you’d be better served by closing the door on that voice for now. Be prepared, she’ll keep knocking for a while, but if she keeps using bullying language, you need to keep saying no to giving her airtime in your head. During her lock out, use #2.

2. Develop an encouraging inner voice.

You know the one, its the voice you use with kids, or with a really good friend when she’s being too hard on herself. This voice says things like: “You did a good job.” “You don’t have to be perfect.” “I’m sorry things are so hard.” “Let me make you a cup of tea.” “I think you’re amazing, brave, fabulous, no matter what mistakes you have made, or goals you haven’t reached.” “It’s alright to take a minute for yourself.” “It’s ok not to be perfect.”—yes, I said that twice.

3. Repeat.

Lasting change takes time! On the neurological level, you are literally rewiring your brain. To improve the pattern of the way you respond to stress and pressure to be based on positive reinforcement instead of negative self-talk, be patient and understand that gradual improvement becomes easier and more pervasive with time.